What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 09:27
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
How did you become popular in school?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What is it like to experience sleep paralysis?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We all went to grammer schools
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I never cut or harmed myself..
My family never makes their pension either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
I think the readers, may guess!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im still living with it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
I said to her
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .